Published: November 08, 2007 03:40 pm         

Introducing the Crème de la Crème!

The holidays are almost here, which means parties, which means folderol, which means dressing up and looking good, which means dropping big bucks at cosmetic counters.

American women, especially Southern women, will starve before they’ll do without their lipstick, powder and paint. (“Is you is, or is you aint?”) This is in spite of advice from a Hollywood sort (Yoko Ono) who once declared that “a girl’s best beauty aid is a near-sighted man.”

No, we like our creams and fragrances, and we like them in pretty jars and bottles. We also want the label to promise miracles, and if (as Erma Bombeck observed) the potions are sold to us by women with European accents, that’s even better.

Actually, women may take their pick of “the looks” this holiday season. There’s the Audrey Hepburn look - liquid eye-liner on top of the lid, lots of mascara, pale foundation and red lips - or there’s the popular ‘80s look - dramatic eye shadow, dark brows, and fluorescent lipsticks that glow in the dark (“oil slick lipstick” is what I called it when my daughters were teenagers).

And we can have all of this for a tidy sum. It does cost to be beautiful - unless we can get our hands on LordPharaoh ImHotepAmonRa’s Egyptian Magic balm. This wonder salve is guaranteed to turn women into ravishing lovelies for much less than what we normally pay for big name cosmetics.

Not only does it soften skin and smooth wrinkles, Egyptian Magic balm prevents diaper rash, soothes sunburns, fades surgical scars and fights dandruff. And that’s the short list.

Says journalist Anna Jane Grossman: “Fans say the salve can be used in so many ways it makes duct tape look lazy.”

Where do we find this amazing cream? Mostly in homeopathic pharmacies and green markets.

“Egyptian Magic is outselling other personal care products at Whole Foods by more than 10 percent,” says Jeremiah McElwee, a consultant for the natural foods market. And it doesn’t hurt that celebrities are raving about this concoction of olive oil, beeswax, bee pollen, royal jelly and bee propolis. (No, I don’t know what bee propolis is, but I read that it’s a substance that “seals hives.”)

LordPharaoh ImHotepAmonRa swears a cream was discovered in ancient Egyptian tombs with this same formula. A British authority on creams, whose name is Bernie Hephrun (honest!), is big on LordPharaoh’s balm. He says: “It has long been believed that Alexander the Great was preserved in honey when he died” - although that’s probably not the best use for Egyptian Magic.

You won’t see Egyptian Magic advertised anywhere. The company in Washington state only produces 20,000 jars each year, which is probably another reason the balm is being touted by the celebrity crowd. If you can’t get it, you’re definitely going to want it. And celebs must like it because they continue to want it and buy it in bulk.

This is all good news to LordPharaoh ImHotepAmonRa - whose name used to be Westley Howard when he was a water filter salesman. He’s easily recognizable now because he wears white suits, head phones and dark red nail polish. Quite a dandy. And his skin looks good, they say.

Ahhh, what price vanity? Are we nuts or what? Don’t we know that real beauty is only skin deep? And writer Jean Kerr says skin deep is deep enough. “What do you want,” she asks, “adorable pancreas?”

Oh, ye vain ones, remember Miss Piggy’s pronouncement: “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid beholder a black eye.” I’m betting this natural porcine beauty wouldn’t dare spend her good money on a gooey mixture of olive oil and beeswax just to look good for a snotty beholder.

Face it, ladies. All the magic creams in the world won’t do us one bit of good if we verge on ugly . . . or if our beloveds aren’t near-sighted. Kinky Friedman says beauty is not in the eye of the beholder - it’s in the eye of the beer holder.

Tell me Kinky and Miss Piggy don’t know some stuff.

[Beth Jacks is an author, freelance columnist, and editor of usadeepsouth.com. She loves Texas and visits often from her home base in Mississippi. Write her at bethjacks@hotmail.com]